Toto, I don’t think we’re at the ballpark anymore

It’s obvious to any visitor to a major league ballpark that owner’s have become wizards at concessions. If food lines are any indication, food sales should send these purveyors of pretzels higher than a balloon over OZ. Their fast food acumen and Barnum and Bailey style have caught the curiosity of many new fans. Unfortunately, unless they can teach them a true appreciation for the game of baseball, few of them will don their ruby sneakers to continue on the next yellow brick road trip. After all, a fan cannot live by hot dog alone, and most of them cannot even pronounce some of today’s player’s names, let alone speak their language.

Maybe I can at least help the fans. As a long time season ticket holder, I discovered certain criteria that fans should meet to enjoy the game and survive life in the stands past the seventh inning stretch. To aid the first time fan, it is perhaps appropriate at this time to get acquainted with a few easy to follow fan rules for spectator etiquette.

RULE NUMBER 1 - It is a fan’s inalienable right to get too loud, drink too much beer and soda, and eat too many hot dogs. This is, after all, the reason that bicarbonates were invented. Dining at the ballpark is generally best if the hot dog is cooler than the beer, and the peanuts pre-date Abner Doubleday.

RULE NUMBER 2 - Food etiquette. Before spilling food or drink on a fellow spectator, it is crucial to ascertain whether he uses suspenders or a karate black belt to hold up his pants, and whether the trophies adorning his mantel at home are for wrestling or speech and debate. This information could quickly become vital to your well-being, and determines whether or not you will be able to stay and enjoy the remainder of the game.

RULE NUMBER 3 - Even if you do know who Babe Ruth got his first major league homer off of, keep it to yourself; the other fans seldom care, and the players are too young to know that Babe Ruth is not a candy bar.

RULE NUMBER 4 - It is the duty of all loyal fans to constructively criticize every umpiring call which goes against their team, regardless of its accuracy. To neglect this duty would breed complacency in umpiring, and create confusion in their ranks. Besides, they expect it.

There are a few basic guidelines to follow when verbally criticizing an umpire. First, never call him anything that you cannot prove, or spell; this only confuses him further and he doesn’t need that kind of distraction. Second, try and disguise or throw your voice; this challenges the umpire to use his sleuthing skills to keep from having to eject an entire section. Lastly, Never use hand signals; most umpires couldn’t see them anyway.

RULE NUMBER 5 - Stay informed about the nationalities of opposing players. Harassing players in a language they do not understand can prove to be a frustrating experience for all concerned. Becoming multilingual is definitely an asset. This provides the avid fan the option to purposely berate a player’s ineptness in a language he doesn’t understand to tick him off. However, the fan should remember that many hand gestures are universal.

RULE NUMBER 6 - Managers try to make at least one major mistake per game just to be certain that the fans are paying attention, so be alert. The manager may give you some indications that a mistake occurred by sitting on the bench with his hands covering his face and shaking his head slowly from side to side. Another clue may be simply his standing at the edge of the dugout, thrusting his hands high in the air, and casting his eyes heavenward in supplication. This movement is occasionally accompanied by a slight shrug of the shoulders in a ‘Why me?’ type of gesture. In the event of a managerial error, the fan should immediately address the problem in a loud, clear tone. Second- guessing is perfectly acceptable, but caution should be exercised when questioning a manager’s parentage, as many of them tend to take exception to this.

RULE NUMBER 7 – Players also occasionally make mistakes. After all, they are generally only human. If these mistakes are humorous, it is appropriate to stand and cheer as you would for any other outstanding play; unless this brain cramp has just cost the home team the game.

One note of caution: Often when a mistake is made, the manager will go through his managerial error indicators (See rule #6) just to throw you off, so be vigilant. If this occurs, simply address your displeasure to both the manager and the player, thus covering all your bases.

In the event of a game losing error, the fan should release a long low groan and continue to mumble under his breath as he exits the stadium. Under no circumstances should you turn to your neighbor and scream, “Did you see that?” If he did, he's mad, and if he didn’t, it’s too late, and it doesn’t really matter anyway.

RULE NUMBER 8 – Never tell a player, manager, umpire or fellow spectator to whom you have been belligerent, where you parked your car.

I hope these simple rules will enable the rookie fan to better enjoy the game, But don’t feel they must be learned all at once. The season is 162 games long, which gives home-town fans 81 chances to use their brain, follow their heart and get up the nerve to visit the ballpark.